The Evening Shroud, Issue #07, 09/27/01 Page 13

Ask Auntie Mystic

Hello Kiddies, We’ve received a warm reception to our bit of phishwrap lately, and some letters from poor soles seeking advice. To save return postage, we’re putting them here. If you too have questions, address them to Mystic Zotix.

Brought to you by Mystic Zotix


Dear Auntie,

My parent’s won’t get off my case. They insist that I apprentice myself to someone so I can learn a useful trade. I don’t see why I should have to do that when I can conjure money or just hang at one of the inns and wait for someone to leave one of those sacks of gems and gold they conjure. Why should I work for it when everyone else is ready to give me money? My folks keep yammering bout how one of these days the conjuring cantrips will fail, and I’ll be a drain on their retirement. But hey! This is Rhydin, that won’t happen. What can I say to get them off my case?

Signed-
In the dumps in Rhydin.

 

Dear Dump,

Auntie is guessing that you’re a very young sprout, maybe a bit too cocksure. Yes, in this magical realm of Rhydin gold grows on trees and cantrips work to conjure up gold. But setting aside the fact that the cantrips might fail one day, that conjured gold is just temporary, much like your arguments. I suggest you follow your mothers sound advice and take an apprenticeship before you find yourself digging ditches for coppers later in life.

Dear Auntie,

I found myself in Rhydin one day after a mix up at the mall. See, I was riding the escalator down to the basement at the mall back in Oklahoma City, and instead of ending up in a basement, I found myself facing a door. When I went through the door I was here. I keep trying that door, but I can’t get back. I’m scared here, I don’t know how to conjure, the people with the pointy ears keep talking about me, and I don’t know how to use a sword. Can you tell me how to get back home?

Signed,
Dorothy

Dear Dorothy,

Sweetie, you’re not in Kansas anymore, and getting out of the Nexus and Rhydin is even harder than regaining lost virginity. Seek out a local wizard (*there are plenty of those here*) to see if he knows a way to get you back to those drab and drear climes you long for, or you can find a way to integrate yourself into Rhydin. While there are few if any trade schools in Rhydin, there are a plethora of jobs need done, and a dearth of bodies to do them. Keep reading this phine phishwrap. I suggest the want ads.

Auntie



Dear Auntie

I have a horrible problem. To all outward appearances I’m the typical lovely damsel. My hair is like a spill of golden silk, my complexion dewy and fair. I can sing the latest love ballads, and strum a lute without breaking a nail. But the Knights won’t even turn to look at me. One of my friends says it’s because I’m lacking the proper, damsel like chest. Auntie I’m Flat! Is there anything besides silken hose that can plump up my upper torso? I yearn to be like the other bodice busting, heaving bosomed lassies that get all the attention from the boys.

Signed-

Deflated, depressed Damsel.

Dear Damsel

There are lots of things to be found in the bustling markets of fair Rhydin Town. Auntie suggests a trip to a good apothecary or milliner to help you artfully disguise that temporary drawback in your girlish figure. Remember, once you settle down with the Knight of your dreams, a few babies will plump you up nicely. And speaking as a lady of modest proportions myself, I wouldn’t try to compete with the bodice buster. Dress with flair! Learn a few ribald ditties to strum on that lute of yours. There are other ways to catch the man of your dreams than eye popping udders.



 

 

 

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Ms Mystic,

I am but recently arrived in Rhydin from far away lands. I wish to eradicate all that is evil here in Rhydin. Trolls, Orcs, Dragons, Drow, Demons and the “Mob” that I have read of in your paper. Is there a league of Good against Evil which I might join and perhaps lead in my cause?

Signed
P. Paladin

Dear Paladin,

While your quest to right wrongs is admirable, consider a moment what would happen if you launched this noble (cough) quest of yours. Not all trolls are bone crunching monsters, and not all Drow seek to overthrow. The “Mob” as you call it is made up of upstanding businessmen who seek to further our economy. Auntie suggests a bit of anger management therapy for you, and the company of a few bawdy wenches. Take a trip down to the Horn’d Hunter where the friendly patrons and the friendlier owners will make sure you have a good time.


Letters to the Editor

Due to a High demand to complain, grouse and be generally offended by our phine phishrap, we are adding a new column this week.  Got an opinion you can’t wait to spew? Tell us!


Dear Editor,

I’ve been reading your paper since someone shoved the first issue at me weeks ago, and I’ve slowly noticed a trend. You seem to focus on the darker side of Rhydin, I mean the Mafia, the mob and all the other underworld (not to be confused with the undead) influences on our city. Is your paper owned by these people, or are things really that dire? What about the wardens of Loreil? Have they been evicted? How come you never write things about them, or the fine, upstanding young people who surely do more than eat, drink and make merry?

(We at Phishrap care about YOU. That said. Since this complaint seems to be rampant, we are heretofore assigning a specialist to root out and find these “Lighter Side” Stories. Stay tuned for what’s to come. You wouldn’t want to be the last to know. – Ed.)

Dear Editor,
I wish to complain about the weather reports that you keep putting up near the banner headline of your paper. Which one IS it? I buy a newspaper to get the news, and I’m not happy that after paying good coppers for the paper, I still have to look out my window to see what the weather is like. Can’t you people do anything right?

(The weather reports are gathered from the Rhydin City Weather Bureau, if they seem confusing it is because of the Nexus Storms and the manna fields that run rampant through Rhydin Prime that make it nearly impossible to know just what weather will be experienced at any given time in any given place. With the constant shift of streets, Burroughs, neighborhoods and sometimes even singular buildings its pretty much catch as catch can. We apologize for any inconvenience but there is little we can do about it. – Ed.)

Dear Editor,

I must object to your constant focus on the so called “Mob” of Rhydin. I can’t help but feel that youse guys are painting good business men in a shady light. I have tried to come talk to you in your offices in regards to this little matter, but no one is ever there. Are you hiding?

Vinnie

(Vinnie, thank you for your attention to the *little* details. We assure all our readers that we are NOT in hiding. In fact, most often, our staff is out gathering and collecting the fascinating news we supply our readers weekly.  One need only travel to Phishrap Family Fisheries and take the outside staircase to the fifth floor where our offices are located. Our friendly receptionist will be more than happy to help you find us! – Ed.)

 

 

 

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