The Evening Shroud, Issue #06, 09/20/01 Page 13

Ask Auntie Mystic

Hello Kiddies, We’ve received a warm reception to our bit of phishwrap lately, and some letters from poor soles seeking advice. To save return postage, we’re putting them here. If you too have questions, address them to Mystic Zotix.

Brought to you by Mystic Zotix


Dear Auntie Mystic,

I have a huge problem. I’m a knight in the local Kingdom and I’m a very manly knight at that. I’ve got this Unicorn following me everywhere I go, and it’s messing with my love life. All the maidens fair go all gooey on me and want to touch the Unicorn! I’m never gonna get any at this rate. 


Horny in Came-a-lot


Dear Horny,

This is an age old tale. Your best friend gets all the chicks and leaves you alone in a whimpering sexless pile, crying in your mead in the Tavern. You’ve got a couple of options here.

Change jobs. You never see Unicorns hanging with pig farmers, now do you?

Get a bigger sword. Have you SEEN the size of his horn?!? Sometimes bigger is better. Not that I’m insulting that little eating knife you’re wielding now that is.

And finally, go out and sleep with a few of the streetwalkers. You are waaaaaaay too virtuous. Go, kick a puppy or something. Your friend will leave you soon enough after that.

Always of service,

Dear Auntie,

I have a big problem. There’s this knight….at first it was kind of cool to have my own dashing knight sworn to protect me from evil. But lately I’ve noticed he’s gotten more interested in moving in on my game than protecting my life. Last week I caught him trying to fondle the Fairy Queen, and believe you me, if you’ve ever met Titania you know, that’s one winged woman you don’t want to piss off. He’s been asking me to put in a good word with the local Maiden’s Union 187. And all the virgins run when he gets close. I think it has something to do with the garlic and onion sandwiches he’s been eating.

Auntie, I’m about to loose my mind and my patience. Give me some advice before I run Sir Lance-A-Lot through.

Huffed on the hoof


Dear Huffed,
For a mythical creature, you’ve got yourself one real problem. Hangers on tend to aim for coat tails rather than lion tails, but somehow Lance has figured out that wherever you are, so are fair damsels. My advice? Put the move on him with the horn, and I’m not talking about the move through the heart. Try playing up to him for an afternoon and he’ll soon take his garlic and onions elsewhere. I don’t think he wants any part of those reindeer games. Let me know how it works out.


Dear Auntie,

I love my family really, but sometimes they drive me to the brink. Last week, my mom brought home another freaking lost soul.  Not like we don’t have thirty to forty of them hanging around already! Then my sister raised her girlfriend’s dead moron of a brother!  And he wont stay outta my closet. Every time I try to get away from it all, relax, have a drink or something, they all show up! My entire family just pops on in.  It’s really wrecking with my social life! I can chat up any one without Mom or my aunts, uncles, siblings giving them the third degree.  You know: Who are your parents? Have you killed anybody? How many times you been married?  That kinda thing. Where’s a girl to go to get some piece?

Luckless in Low Town

Dear Luckless,

Try Mad Madame Mim for a vanishing potion. It will make it harder for your family to find you when you don’t want them to.  Of course it will also make it harder for your potential suitors to find you as well. But at least you will have some peace.


Dear Auntie Mystic,

My parents are sooo medieval! Help! I don’t care about court and tapestry weaving! I don’t even like magic! I prefer the cool tech toys over in the Star’s End District, ya know? But my parents refuse to let me even talk about it!

They’ve locked me up in the tower, I’ve been grounded for six whole months! What am I gonna do?

I will die of boredom and my boyfriend is about to leave for a whole other planet! He’ll be gone for like forever but my parents wont even listen!

Help me!!!!!!

Hopelessly Grounded


Dear Grounded,

See? If you’d have listened to your parents and learned your spells, you wouldn’t be stuck. You would have been able to whisk yourself just about anywhere with a little practice. I suggest that during the next six months you study hard. And, trust me, there will be other fly boys waiting just for you at the Stars End Bar and Grill when you get out!


Dear Auntie,

I need to know if I’m insane. I can’t go to my family or friends. It’s a long story, believe me it’s better if you don’t know. Anyway, last week I was coming downstairs for my morning repast, when I noticed a spot on the portrait of my great-great-great-uncle Clarence.

Making a mental note to severely reprimand the staff for their shoddy work, I moved post-haste to the butler’s pantry for some solvent and a rag.

Moving back to the portrait I noticed the eyes had shifted. They were now gazing upon me in a most disapproving manner. I’m sure I saw a sneer on Uncle’s lips!

Now I’m getting the same kinds of stares from all my other near, dear and departed. Tell me, is it just me or are they angry?

Watched and Wondering

Dear Wondering,

We live in the Nexus. It is a big magical vortex. It is possible that your departed relatives are unhappy about something, to discover what it is you will have to seek psychic advisement. I recommend you do so as soon as possible, these things don’t go away by themselves and often they get worse when neglected.




Sick of unsolicited mail?

Get the Junk Eater!!!

It will eat it all up for you!

(Company not responsible for loss of bills, hands, or any other thing inserted into your mail box)

Found at your local S-Mart:

“Be smart, shop S-Mart!”

Auntie Mystic,

Please, please, please, answer my letter! I’ve never had anything in the paper before! It would be really cool to show off to my friends and family.  Oh, yeah, and I have a dilemma too!

Last month I was walking down Main street, ok? When this horde of clowns came thundering past. Two of them stopped and gave me a recruiting application. I was kinda curious, do you know what it takes to be a clown?

My Own Fifteen Minutes.

Dear MOFM,

I don’t think you want to join the Clown Brigade. Besides, I think they’ve already left Rhydin for greener pastures elsewhere.  (Thankfully!) If you are really looking for a career try the Rhydin Police Department. I hear they are very lenient and accepting of all kinds. Might I recommend you stay away from the Police Chief, the tea leaves suggest he’ll be facing his own trials soon.