The Evening Shroud, Issue #05, 09/13/01 Page 13

Ask Auntie Mystic

Hello Kiddies, We’ve received a warm reception to our bit of phishwrap lately, and some letters from poor soles seeking advice. To save return postage, we’re putting them here. If you too have questions, address them to Mystic Zotix.

Brought to you by Mystic Zotix

 


Dear Auntie,

Ever since I got to Rhydin I’ve had no luck with my love life. I’m not bad looking, but it seems that everyone here is perfect looking, but has the brains of a turnip. How do I find someone who’s down to earth, and who’s looks don’t change from day to day with perfection spells?

Signed
Scaled and Confused in Dracoburg


Dear Scaly,

Auntie knows exactly what you mean. There are just too many perfect people around these days. Perhaps a nice dose of plague could weed out the perfect and brainless. I suggest a quick trip to a good witchdoctor or apothecary who deals with Doomsday HMO.

Auntie

Dear Auntie Mystic,

I have a small shop in the Rhydin Market Place. I do pretty good business every day, yet the next morning when I open up shop my cash box is almost empty. One of my friends across the way says that it’s the curse of the conjured coin. Is it a curse? How can I stop it? I can’t afford to keep in business much longer.
Signed
Tired of taking wooden nickels

 

Dear Tired,

Welcome to business dealings in the Nexus. Conjured coin lasts only so long (much like real coin). I suggest taking a trip to Mad Madam Mim’s for a coin snooper to let you know when the coins you’re being offered are of the conjured, counterfeit type.

Auntie



Deer Antee

Last week in da InN I wuz bit by a small furry critter. Evr since then I hab had a speech impediment, an it has effected da way eye right, 2. Whut kin ah do?

Signed
Targeted by Typo

 

Dear Targeted,

You, my lovey, were the victim of the dreaded Typo Demon bite. It’s not fatal (though those near a victim wish it were at times) though it can be annoying. There were two ways to cure it: Time, or a trip to Mad Madam Mim’s (I should start charging her for Advertising here) are your best bet.

Auntie



Dear Auntie

I’m having problems finding my way around Rhydin. Every time I try to go somewhere, it seems the roads have changed. Is it me? Is it the Ale? What can I do?

Desperate and constantly lost

 

Dear DCL,

You my dear are a victim of the Nexus. Find your way to the Rhydin Library and pick up a copy of the spelled maps. They change and the Nexus switches things around. Though Auntie does suggest that you take it easy on the Ale.

Auntie

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My Dear Auntie Mystic,

What is wrong with me? I try so hard to please everyone around me. When they talk, I listen, I listen very closely. When they go to a new place, I follow, I follow very closely. When they go home, I go with them, just to make sure they get there ok. I just want to come in for a cup of tea, you know, to make sure its safe inside. How come they always start screaming at me to leave them alone then slam the door in my face?

signed,
witless and alone

Dear Witless,

There are institutions that can help you with that. I highly recommend the Rhydin Mental Health Facilities. Stalking is impolite and is often frowned upon in most circles. Perhaps try widening your social acquaintances with a visit to one of the many establishments that cater to Vampires? They tend to be more tolerant of such needful attentions.

Auntie

Dear Auntie,

My husband just doesn’t know how to please me in bed! No matter what I try! I even went to the local wizard and had my breasts enhanced! That did not help, so I tried a Mad Madame Mim’s aphrodisiac on him. And it did absolutely no good at all! He was horny, but he still left me stone cold. Maybe you can help?

signed,
Moanless in Meadowville

Dear MM,

Hmm, not even a Mad Madame Mim charm worked?! That’s terrible news. Toss him out honey, with the trash! There are plenty of hotter fish in the sea or, in our case, knights in the streets, far more willing and able to dot their “i’s” and cross those “t’s.”

Auntie