Mad Clowns Terrorize Rhydin!

Reported by: Benton deLaw

It was an amazing moment when the menagerie of odd clowns marched down the street right past the offices of The Evening Shroud. Some of the evil menace had taken the time to paint themselves silver. These clowns stop at random street corners, strike a pose and freeze, becoming suspiciously statue like, holding up traffic, while neglecting to harass passerby’s.

“I don’t know where they got those funny walks of theirs! It certainly wasn’t from OUR academy!” Proclaimed a Ministry of FW Institute, Rhydin. “Its an outrage! They will certainly frighten the childlike minds of the populace!” included a highly placed government official that refuses to allow us to print his name.  “Funny silver humanoid shapes, posing as local statutes, is a threat to our society as a whole! Its an invasion! An Alien Invasion, I tell you!”

The cause of the Clown Invasion is as yet unknown, yet many suspect the Nexus is the real culprit. “It just rips people, things, animals, sometimes even entire oceans and dumps it out any old place it wants!” a local authority on the Nexus and professor of Amalgamation Theory at the Rhydin University commented when asked. “Too many take the magic for granted and do not take the time to worry about the consequences of their actions. What the populace of our city forgets it that for every magical action there is always a Nexus *reaction*. Sometimes that reaction can be quite violent even when the initial action itself was beneficial.”

“Next time, think before you conjure! Using the Nexus magic has consequences that echo further than the average citizen is aware.” the professor warns.

In a Related Story: Hades, Inc Opens for Business on Rhydin Prime!


HOROSCOPES

Ask Auntie Mystic

New! All New Horoscopes, to help you plan out your day!

Page 9!

Have a crisis? Let Auntie Mystic spill her wealth of wisdom all over you!

More on Page 13!


ZuZu’s Pleasure Palace!

“What can we do to YOU?”

Meet the girl of your dreams! Enjoy a relaxing massage. Clean sheets always provided!

Ladies seeking a profitable career? Contact Madame ZuZu Petals. 

Warehouse District, lower EastEnd. 
(NOTE: During high Nexus storm activity, we may be relocated to the lower WestEnd.)


Conjured coin or tax evasion to blame for current state of Red Dragon Inns?

Announcements

Reported by: Physhra Pink

Last week, sometime between a just-one-drink-to-relax-from-work night and a Oh-Gods-who-the-hell-are-you rude awakening, I had the chance to speak with a current Innkeeper at the Red Dragon on Main.

It was a pleasant conversation, in a sadly vacant Inn. To be fair that shift’s Host – Dorion as he was called – claimed it to be unusually slow for the eve. Though this reporter has seen it such more than not, of late.

Espousing that the new management, who now runs things in the front part of this massive structure, was stealing a good bit of trade from the present smaller common area of the Inn and tavern, Dorion proceeded to chat up this reporter while making an absolutely scrumptious martini.

As I sat there, enjoying the drink and the San’Dunlion olives placed within, Dorion prepared to close out his shift. In a discussion about the problems of conjured coin and monies running rampant throughout our fair town, that the Inn and all businesses must contend with, this reporter noted the interesting security measure of the cobra, Mervyn, wrapped about the till. The Innkeeper replied, the reptile was “employed” to keep ne’er-do-wells from stealing the only real money the Inn acquired.

You could have colored this reporter surprised…

continued on last page.

Missing Person: One small elf, female, aged about 140. Has been sighted in Rhydin recently. Answers to the name “Aiodanne”. If you have information as to her whereabouts, please contact: Serastin Morelen.


Missing Child!!! Anyone with information regarding Claudia Realm Blackheart, six-year old adopted daughter of Sid. Contact: ObsdnShayd


Missing Space Craft The “Event Horizon“, Crew was due back thirty-five days ago, family, friends extremely concerned!  Large Reward offered for ANY INFO!!! Contact: Starfleet Command


 Wedding Announcement! Trinity of Hollingsburg to Knight-N-Armor. Saturday Night at Friendly Creatures Inn. Bring your own chair! No RSVP necessary!


Grand Opening! Rhydin Prime Family Planning Clinic, RPFPC. Do you know *where* your partner has been in this multiverse? Stay safe from all cyber disease! OPEN: 25.5 Hours a day, eight days a week. Located across from the Stars End Mall.


New Hatchlings! Free Typo Demonlings to warm homes! “Bring your demons up not to plague the populace!” Contact: RSPCA



Personals

Announcements Cont.

Found: One hairless hamster encased in a large glass jar. Non-responsive. Contact Klepto Kane

with description

Seeking Your Sole Mate? Place an ad with us! We are the paper that gets the results!

Peruse the Personals!



Hades, Inc Denies Mob Involvement!

Lost: One Ring, great sentimental value attached. If found please contact. J. Ringwraith in Mordor, C/O this paper

by Sharon Gossip

In a shocking turn of events, this reporter was given a chance of a lifetime: an interview with the C.E.O. of Hades, Inc.

In a bold move to project a new reputation to the public, Hades, Inc has chosen our fair city as home for their new Corporation.  “I’m a softie at heart, and I want people to know that when they’re dealing with my company.” Stated the current CEO of Hades, Inc., a multidivisional company that handles the counseling and consultation “of those daily life things.”

When queried about Hades being the pit of Despair and he a stealer of souls: “Actually, with the recent turn of events, we have become a place where people come to have their dreams acquired.” he continued: “I would say that this is a over-used stereotype put out by our competitors. Who are jealous of our hard-earned success.” He quickly added: “Now, and don’t misquote me here…if one chooses to give their soul as payment… We would accept….”

“We give everyone at Hades, Inc. a fair shake. More than the butchers and bakers in this realm. Equal opportunities here and no discrimination due to class or intelligence.” Insists the C.E.O. of Hades, Inc.

Confessing to a recent theft that reflects a terrible “loss…”

continued on last page!


From Rotgut to Regal, come to our beverage tasting soirees at your local Red Dragon Keep, Wednesdays and Fridays 11pm by the Eastern Clock.


Seeking information: ANYONE with information on a particular “wooden box with odd glyphs on top”???? “Eclectic Curios” rewards information handsomely.  Contact: Mr. C Wraithburn


LOST: One small box, not too heavy. Has lovely lettering on the side. Also has lovely music it plays. It is special and dear to me. If found, please send to Molly Albaelia, P.O. Box 125, Rhydin.


Found! Ghost babies in baskets! If they belong to you, please come get them? They are disturbing Mass and interrupting Bingo. Contact: Our Lady of Perpetual Misery.


DIVORCED! I, Katarina Von Vitte, declare I am no longer married to Dark Knight569. You, piece of scum, left me, pregnant, after only two weeks of wedded bliss! May your thing rot off!





Scene & Heard

Help Wanted

It’s Eye Spy, Eagle Eye, reporting the buzz from glitz to gutter!

This weeks adventures were grand indeed! As I wandered into one of the local taverns, I found myself ensconced, yes, kittens, and quite firmly too, between two lovely twins and their sister Sara.

It took me merely a few minutes to figure out the lay of this land, the heights of these mountains so we trotted off for a turn at the Rhydin Hot Tubs.  To share our blissful surrender with a multitude of others intent on the same!

Then what to my shame did happen??!

If you picture rampant, ranting, lunatics with homicidal tendencies? You are on the right track! Yes, poppets, I looked Death in the face and she laughed at me!

Naked as the day I was born, I ran for my life. You heard me right, kiddies, there is no reason this Romeo should risk his life on a potential great lay! Especially one with an insanely jealous lover with a long nasty sword and a desire for disembowelment.

Call me particular, but I prefer my bowels right where they are, thank you so much!

What I want to know is why Mz. Juliet wantonly mislead this Romeo when she was obviously involved in such an intense relationship?

Wanna know what I think?

I think she likes the drama.  Shame, wish I’d known that before I trotted… I tend to avoid the froufrouiscus dramada genes.

Watch for me, kiddies! I’ll be out and about, getting scene and heard!

 


 

Will Work Any shift: Henchman position. Am good at intimidation and pushing around those in the boss’s way. References supplied on Demand. Contact: Ima Goon.


Chambermaids for the Horn’d Hunter. Must be willing to work weekends. Cleaning ability a must and a friendly “can-do” attitude a plus. Contact: Orion Elaar or Tiris Ael


Relics, ancient knick-knacks and other paraphernalia wanted. Will pay well for quality goods! Contact: Mr. C Wraithburn


Cleaner seeking local jobs. Experienced in the art of elimination. Creative problem solver with a flair for the less obvious. Contact: Acelin Adams


Newspaper Distributors Needed! Full benefits for part time work! Competitive wages offered! Contact: The Evening Shroud


Do you want your words touched, fondled, folded, spindled… maybe even… mutilated? ::wink, wink, nudge, nudge.:: Come write for the paper that reaches the world; one way or another! Contact: Physhra Pink


Seeking Ship’s Mate! Determined and driven Captain needs first mate for long haul! Pay is above average, earning determined by one’s own desire. Contact: Captain Ishmaiel



Advertise Through US!

Gotta Ad?

The Evening Shroud offers competitive prices to all!  Advertise through us!  We are the paper that reaches the people! Whether it is wrapped in fish or not! Assassins’, a little slow in the targets? Demimondes’ need a few more clients? Tavern owners, need more of a crowd to make your bills?

Contact: Physhra Pink

No paper goes through as many hands as ours! From the streets to the markets into your very homes! Need a job? Place an ad with us! Have an important announcement?  Let us tell the world for you!  We can’t guarantee they’ll read it; you can lead a horse to water but… At least we try!

Contact: Sharon Gossip