The Evening Shroud, Issue #04, 09/06/01 Page 13

Ask Auntie Mystic

Hello Kiddies, We’ve received a warm reception to our bit of phishwrap lately, and some letters from poor soles seeking advice. To save return postage, we’re putting them here. If you too have questions, address them to Mystic Zotix.

Brought to you by Mystic Zotix

 


Dear Auntie Mystic,

I have this problem and I don’t understand it. It seems that every time I go out into public, inevitably some woman plants herself in my lap and propositions me. I am not what most call a friendly sort, and I already have one who holds my heart, so I am not in the market for another. What can I do?

I have told every last one of them that I am involved with a psychopath fallen angel, one that will rip their heads off and has never been willing to share, and still they persist! Nothing I say makes them leave me alone! I have even threatened to eat their souls, but they continue to cling to me like limpets. I need help!

Signed-
A Hot Seat from Hades.

Dear Hades,

Trying to convince the lovelorn wenches of Rhydin that a man isn’t available for the taking is like trying to stop the tide. Face it, Hades, you’re male, you’re breathing, and if your beloved Winged Psycho isn’t right there, leash in hand, they won’t get the clue if you paid them. Auntie suggests a night out on the town for you and the lady love. Give your beloved a treat, and let *her* frighten away those who are so foolish as to plant rears where fallen angels have claimed.

Dear Auntie Mystic,

I need some advice about this friend I have, who is married to one he calls “A life sucking beast from which there is no escape.

Needless to say, she’s a rather unpleasant sort, prone to falling into families without thought and taste. A trend following sheep type with a caustic tongue and very unfriendly nature. She’s always cruel to my friend, disparaging his manhood every chance she gets, refusing to grant the poor dear a divorce which is rather sad because he really is a rather gentle fellow but for his fire bug tendencies.
Now, the question I have for you today is this: Would it be wrong of me to have her killed as a gift for him?

Signed-
A Caring Friend

Dear Caring friend.

A good assassination is a joy forever, especially if you’re doing it as a favor to one who is under the thumb of a life sucking beast from Hades. I’m sure that if you’re inventive, you can find just the right way to alleviate your friends little social blunder. There are a number of good Cleaners in the business (Acelin Adams comes to mind) who would be glad to help you out. (Mention my name, and you’ll get a 10% discount). Just remember to request all copies of the film. (A tastefully framed photo would be a nice touch!)



Madame Mumm’s Floral and Funerary. 

For all your botonistic needs
and
Burial arrangements

Spectacular and incredible floral arrangements available upon short notice. Great for all events! Discount prices for wholesalers!

Hours of operation: 12pm – 6:45pm, by Eastern Clock.
Located Eastside of Rhydin Marketplace.

Auntie Mystic,

I can’t find a man! Well, I can find one, but they vanish the minute the ring is on my finger. Is it true that the good ones are dead, undead or married?

Signed-

Left at the alter again and again.

Dear Left,

You keep hooking up with men who suffer from AWOLitis. It’s rampant and epidemic in this fair realm. Short of poaching on another woman’s territory (which can be dangerous, considering the kind of women that abound in Rhydin) I would suggest that you seek out a good sorcerer and have him concoct a remedy for AWOLitis. Your lonely sisters in Rhydin will thank you.



Dear Auntie Mystic,

I am always confused when traveling in Rhydin. Could you please tell me is Uptown by the docks or is that only the Eastside?

Signed-
Wandering the Streets

Dear Wandering,

Streets often change locale in Rhydin. Nexus storms are the biggest of the causes, although some can be attributed to other phenomenon, like spells gone awry. My advice to you is to buy yourself a spell locator box. Its a small gadget easily purchased at the Rhydin Market Place, that allows you to find friends and foes wherever they choose to roam!

Reporter seeking a “Deep Throat” of their own!

Like to eavesdrop?

Know things that others don’t?

Enjoy indulging in gossip?

Just wanna “clear your soul”?

Contact: Sharon Gossip



Dear Auntie,

My life sucks! I’m a god but like everybody in this place is! So I can’t get away with *anything*! I’ve been married eight times and every one of them have simply vanished on me! I cook way too much, to stave off how truly boring I am! Help me!

Signed-
Dying in Domesticity

Dear Dying,

Throw out that old cookbook and try some *new* recipes! It’s time for a change! Instead of serving dinner, why not start a fight? Such touch-oriented sport can quickly coral a good husband for any lonely gal! Remember in a world where every one looks just as good as you do, you have to make a splash at being unique.

Dear Auntie Mystic,

 I’ve fallen really hard for this incredibly beautiful man; long hair, past his shoulders, you know… that type. But he is sooo much cuter than all the rest. Anyway, the only problem is, he can only talk about himself! On and on he can’t seem to get enough of himself, otherwise he’s a catch!

Signed-
Echo loves the Funny Man

Dear Echo,

You’re calling on the wind, sweety! Your voice nothing more than an annoying breeze past those finely sculpted ears of his. Take my advice, let the river flow on by, get yourself a new obsession, one that allows you a little time in that spot light!